06.02.2017- 8:09pm
i guess you don't care
i am happy
i am happy
i am happy
i am so so so happy
because that what you want to hear, right?
why am i always so fucking depressed?
we go out to movies and i am
ecstatic
just like you want me to be
it's a traditional dinner date and you let me choose the restaurant
we stumble in the moonlit parking lot on the way in
you even buy me popcorn and a large soda
and while we're sitting in a dark empty theater i try to hold your hand even though i know you dont like holding hands
i blush shades of baby pink and violet
and giggle and steal sips from your drink when you arent looking
and maybe when you are looking too
i may not be able to focus on the movie
i think it had something to do with aliens?
im not really into the whole UFO and abduction shit but ill tell you it was cool when we leave.
we go out to dinner and i am skipping on the way to the door
making jokes as we enter and greet the waitress
i surprisingly ask for a coloring page and crayons, even though i am almost 20
and you tell me that that's what you love about me
i order the pancakes i've talked about all day long but pick at my plate when its time to eat
its okay though because you gobble down the two-thirds that's left
on the car ride home
i sing every song the radio plays
"i know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
i know you'll be a star
in somebody else's sky
but
why
why can't it be
why can't it be mine"
leave you with tunes stuck in your head for the rest of the night
i light cigarettes joyfully and let the wind blow through my hair
we cruise down back roads and i tell you about the parts of my day
like the coffee i had before work this morning, or how my mother called me this afternoon
we go home and i am a mattress
blank walls show me nothing but truth
my blinds remained shut
i tell you i need something darker like a tapestry so the sun cant interrupt
i wake up from a 10 hour nap and tell you i am still tired
i sit in the bottom of the shower
with chains wrapped around my both of my ankles
i place my head on my knees and close my eyes
i think for a long while about the pink shaving razor sitting next to me
the water is cold and i am stiff
panicky of what i might do next
so i get out
i dry off hesitantly and gently
as if i am seeing this pale hollow body for the first time
i am floating above myself
to realize i am not one but two
and i am physically not the same person as i am mentally
i am watching myself shrivel away and disappear
i step out on to smooth pavement and act as if today is a new day
i let the sun shine on my skin and i try to keep busy
constantly tap-tapping my fingers, and fidgeting with my hair
and i think i should feel better because you said so
that i should wake up and want to get out of bed
that i shouldn't be at a constant war with myself
that i should just get the fuck over it
but that is not how this works
i do not choose to drown, i do not choose to suffocate
i always crack the window in the car for fresh air
i never stop wondering what lead me here
to this exact moment, to this stale feeling
maybe it was when you risked everything with me for her
i think it really started when i cut off all my hair
and that was long before you
or when i gave up on the only thing i said i wouldn't
so, when you ask me,
"Why are you so fucking depressed?"
i
think
it's
because
in eggshell colored walls
live secrets of a broken girl
who does not know how many more she will have to keep
i guess you don't care
i am happy
i am happy
i am happy
i am so so so happy
because that what you want to hear, right?
why am i always so fucking depressed?
we go out to movies and i am
ecstatic
just like you want me to be
it's a traditional dinner date and you let me choose the restaurant
we stumble in the moonlit parking lot on the way in
you even buy me popcorn and a large soda
and while we're sitting in a dark empty theater i try to hold your hand even though i know you dont like holding hands
i blush shades of baby pink and violet
and giggle and steal sips from your drink when you arent looking
and maybe when you are looking too
i may not be able to focus on the movie
i think it had something to do with aliens?
im not really into the whole UFO and abduction shit but ill tell you it was cool when we leave.
we go out to dinner and i am skipping on the way to the door
making jokes as we enter and greet the waitress
i surprisingly ask for a coloring page and crayons, even though i am almost 20
and you tell me that that's what you love about me
i order the pancakes i've talked about all day long but pick at my plate when its time to eat
its okay though because you gobble down the two-thirds that's left
on the car ride home
i sing every song the radio plays
"i know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
i know you'll be a star
in somebody else's sky
but
why
why can't it be
why can't it be mine"
leave you with tunes stuck in your head for the rest of the night
i light cigarettes joyfully and let the wind blow through my hair
we cruise down back roads and i tell you about the parts of my day
like the coffee i had before work this morning, or how my mother called me this afternoon
we go home and i am a mattress
blank walls show me nothing but truth
my blinds remained shut
i tell you i need something darker like a tapestry so the sun cant interrupt
i wake up from a 10 hour nap and tell you i am still tired
i sit in the bottom of the shower
with chains wrapped around my both of my ankles
i place my head on my knees and close my eyes
i think for a long while about the pink shaving razor sitting next to me
the water is cold and i am stiff
panicky of what i might do next
so i get out
i dry off hesitantly and gently
as if i am seeing this pale hollow body for the first time
i am floating above myself
to realize i am not one but two
and i am physically not the same person as i am mentally
i am watching myself shrivel away and disappear
i step out on to smooth pavement and act as if today is a new day
i let the sun shine on my skin and i try to keep busy
constantly tap-tapping my fingers, and fidgeting with my hair
and i think i should feel better because you said so
that i should wake up and want to get out of bed
that i shouldn't be at a constant war with myself
that i should just get the fuck over it
but that is not how this works
i do not choose to drown, i do not choose to suffocate
i always crack the window in the car for fresh air
i never stop wondering what lead me here
to this exact moment, to this stale feeling
maybe it was when you risked everything with me for her
i think it really started when i cut off all my hair
and that was long before you
or when i gave up on the only thing i said i wouldn't
so, when you ask me,
"Why are you so fucking depressed?"
i
think
it's
because
in eggshell colored walls
live secrets of a broken girl
who does not know how many more she will have to keep
03.12.2017 - 8:16pm
Hazel
It was a usual occurrence
Puffing on a cowboy killer in the passenger seat of your car
Practicing my french inhales, ghosting,
Smoke is rolling thick
All the windows are rolled down, my feet are dangling out
Resting from all the running
We just hooked up in the empty section of the movie theater parking lot after hot boxing a blunt
You taste like a blueberry Swisher
I want this time to be different
We don't hold hands when we go out
You don't walk me to my door at the end of the night
But as I'm giggling under street light you tell me my eyes are beautiful
This time will not be different
There's an unbearable silence when you pause and ask,
"What color are they?.... There are so many..."
It's quiet and I stop giggling
The crickets are applauding in the background
I feel red and hot and I see nothing but fascination in your expression
I clear my throat to try to break your stare
But your brown eyes remain locked to mine
Please don't fall in love with me
I turn my head, flustered like so many times before
You reach across and suddenly I am
Melting
Yet closed off and afraid
From previous boys who lost themselves in hazel eyes
No matter how hard I push them away
It always ends the same
I want this time to be different
Hazel
It was a usual occurrence
Puffing on a cowboy killer in the passenger seat of your car
Practicing my french inhales, ghosting,
Smoke is rolling thick
All the windows are rolled down, my feet are dangling out
Resting from all the running
We just hooked up in the empty section of the movie theater parking lot after hot boxing a blunt
You taste like a blueberry Swisher
I want this time to be different
We don't hold hands when we go out
You don't walk me to my door at the end of the night
But as I'm giggling under street light you tell me my eyes are beautiful
This time will not be different
There's an unbearable silence when you pause and ask,
"What color are they?.... There are so many..."
It's quiet and I stop giggling
The crickets are applauding in the background
I feel red and hot and I see nothing but fascination in your expression
I clear my throat to try to break your stare
But your brown eyes remain locked to mine
Please don't fall in love with me
I turn my head, flustered like so many times before
You reach across and suddenly I am
Melting
Yet closed off and afraid
From previous boys who lost themselves in hazel eyes
No matter how hard I push them away
It always ends the same
I want this time to be different
4.1.17 - 1:52pm
abnormal
3/31/17
in a dark room you pulled a disappearing act
nurses crowd around a screen searching for a glimpse of you
i keep hoping you will pull back the curtain and surprise me
but you have vanished and suddenly i feel anesthetic
maybe you would've been a magician
a tall, slender, handsome man
with a few tricks up his sleeve
hair slicked back, rosy cheeks, and never caught without his bowtie
i wonder if you'd saw beautiful women in half and put them back together again
or make doves appear from thin air
i'd give you your first deck of cards and your first magic hat
i'd watch in awe at all of your talent shows
and be there the night before when your nerves are driving you insane
i would be your biggest fan
you'd teach me all your card tricks
and giggle when i mess them up again and again
you'd pull quarters out of peoples ears as a party trick
after a few moments of confusion and silence a doctor waltz's in
she glances and quickly states it's
abnormal
i flinch and i'm ready for the show to be over
please show them that you are there
the lights go up and the curtains stay closed
"it's too soon to tell the risks"
i'm handed sheets with information on them
and though they tell me you are
i don't think you're abnormal
you are just practicing your disappearing act
abnormal
3/31/17
in a dark room you pulled a disappearing act
nurses crowd around a screen searching for a glimpse of you
i keep hoping you will pull back the curtain and surprise me
but you have vanished and suddenly i feel anesthetic
maybe you would've been a magician
a tall, slender, handsome man
with a few tricks up his sleeve
hair slicked back, rosy cheeks, and never caught without his bowtie
i wonder if you'd saw beautiful women in half and put them back together again
or make doves appear from thin air
i'd give you your first deck of cards and your first magic hat
i'd watch in awe at all of your talent shows
and be there the night before when your nerves are driving you insane
i would be your biggest fan
you'd teach me all your card tricks
and giggle when i mess them up again and again
you'd pull quarters out of peoples ears as a party trick
after a few moments of confusion and silence a doctor waltz's in
she glances and quickly states it's
abnormal
i flinch and i'm ready for the show to be over
please show them that you are there
the lights go up and the curtains stay closed
"it's too soon to tell the risks"
i'm handed sheets with information on them
and though they tell me you are
i don't think you're abnormal
you are just practicing your disappearing act
12/22/2016 - 10:41am
transparent
(this is a first draft, and thats how this will stay)
i fell in
collapsing to a body much older than my own
these bloodshot eyes have seen more days and mine have not
there will always be another story for his tender voice to share
im sprawled out
on a bed of white sheets
an empty canvas
pushing myself further back into the mattress
id rather be a spring
hoping to melt away in all this candle light
vanilla aroma barely masking the smell of cheap booze
showing parts of myself i had never seen before
like my insides had been torn out,
now exposed, sitting in front of me
saying goodbye
to the girl i will never get to know
i had always wished to be transparent
and as he saw straight through me
and took the last thing i could rightfully call mine
i realized just how wrong i could be
transparent
(this is a first draft, and thats how this will stay)
i fell in
collapsing to a body much older than my own
these bloodshot eyes have seen more days and mine have not
there will always be another story for his tender voice to share
im sprawled out
on a bed of white sheets
an empty canvas
pushing myself further back into the mattress
id rather be a spring
hoping to melt away in all this candle light
vanilla aroma barely masking the smell of cheap booze
showing parts of myself i had never seen before
like my insides had been torn out,
now exposed, sitting in front of me
saying goodbye
to the girl i will never get to know
i had always wished to be transparent
and as he saw straight through me
and took the last thing i could rightfully call mine
i realized just how wrong i could be
11.17.16 - 1:50pm
milk crates spring break '04, caught in a 2 am thunderstorm a gravel driveway and a two step porch not suitable for children, (but there are three) puddle jumping in the swamp we now call our front yard, soggy sketchers and dingy untied laces, lightning strikes randomly spark up the near summer sky, plops of rain soak my pillow sloshing my way from one house to another clutching to paint chipping knuckles until we are home i warily bounce between drifting off and an anxiety attack in a bunk bed that's missing its other half a mattress with no sheets, a pillow with no case scabbed eyelashes flutter, a screen door bounces off its frame no blinds, sunshine floods the room corner to corner styrofoam bowls and plastic spoons criss cross applesauce on the tiled kitchen floor a family rebuilding open windows, news scrambles in every direction from the radio Mcdonalds served on a table made of milk crates, my parents fear a corrupt government they have not yet realized they cannot defeat new beginnings in the same neighborhood, the stench of Marlboro's mark this place our own children tear up and down the hallway snickering creating new hide and seek spots, accepting the change that i still cannot |
|
11.16.16 - 5:45pm
18
Sometimes the world is picture ready,
mesmerizing, flashing a cheesy smile
i wish my eyes were cameras,
life is graceful and days seem to roll merrily into each other
time is fleeting
yet the world seems to pause
sun glimmering she shows her beauty in broken branches and an autumn sunset
tingly fingers, frosty breath
colors melt and god has blessed me with the perfect season
life will always be okay
mahogany trees drifting asleep
shadows dance in crunchy leaves and carve initials into bark
juicy sap runs deep in crevices and gushes out
hums of trains surround me
i am hopping from one to another
a sleep walking traveler
dream wanderer.
Sometimes the world is dull and pixelated
slow motion and crashing
life is always midnight and she drags her feet one day to the next
time is fleeting
once again you've fallen asleep before the sunset
black surrounds you when you awaken she shows her horror in dinner with the family and a shiver from the cracked window
scratchy forks, clanking plates
a throat clear breaks the ice
dishwasher swishing bitterly in the background
secrets run laps around the table and burn scars into the back of my eyes
venom runs deep in crevices and gushes out
roars of trains surround me
i am sloppily racing in terror from one to another
a nightmare renegade.
18
Sometimes the world is picture ready,
mesmerizing, flashing a cheesy smile
i wish my eyes were cameras,
life is graceful and days seem to roll merrily into each other
time is fleeting
yet the world seems to pause
sun glimmering she shows her beauty in broken branches and an autumn sunset
tingly fingers, frosty breath
colors melt and god has blessed me with the perfect season
life will always be okay
mahogany trees drifting asleep
shadows dance in crunchy leaves and carve initials into bark
juicy sap runs deep in crevices and gushes out
hums of trains surround me
i am hopping from one to another
a sleep walking traveler
dream wanderer.
Sometimes the world is dull and pixelated
slow motion and crashing
life is always midnight and she drags her feet one day to the next
time is fleeting
once again you've fallen asleep before the sunset
black surrounds you when you awaken she shows her horror in dinner with the family and a shiver from the cracked window
scratchy forks, clanking plates
a throat clear breaks the ice
dishwasher swishing bitterly in the background
secrets run laps around the table and burn scars into the back of my eyes
venom runs deep in crevices and gushes out
roars of trains surround me
i am sloppily racing in terror from one to another
a nightmare renegade.
10.02.16 - 5:16pm
spring
the seasons changed from winter to spring
frozen to earthy
the sun rose early and the windows were frosty
it set late in the evening, when the world seemed still
parks become crowded with families looking for something to do, stoners looking for somewhere to smoke, dogs ready to play.
the baseball diamonds are filled with sweaty anxious children in their uniforms,
teams inside the dug out are singing cheers rottenly,
a few parents are rooting and hollering in the crowded stands,
you can spot which kids belong to who,
blushing, exasperated, why do they always do this?
spring had started the same way it always has.
the further the season progressed the more offbeat it seemed
spring was unusually ablaze,
the birds had returned, but they no longer chirped in the morning,
the grass went from electric green to desert camel,
skies remained crystal clear and blue, no end in sight,
vast and empty
families picnicked in perfect weather, groups of friends went hiking,
the world was clumsy and supersonic
trees were withered, they did not bud or turn leafy
cloudless and dim
how could it be possible to feel so trapped
to see the world differently
lightless,
when it's as luminous as ever.
spring
the seasons changed from winter to spring
frozen to earthy
the sun rose early and the windows were frosty
it set late in the evening, when the world seemed still
parks become crowded with families looking for something to do, stoners looking for somewhere to smoke, dogs ready to play.
the baseball diamonds are filled with sweaty anxious children in their uniforms,
teams inside the dug out are singing cheers rottenly,
a few parents are rooting and hollering in the crowded stands,
you can spot which kids belong to who,
blushing, exasperated, why do they always do this?
spring had started the same way it always has.
the further the season progressed the more offbeat it seemed
spring was unusually ablaze,
the birds had returned, but they no longer chirped in the morning,
the grass went from electric green to desert camel,
skies remained crystal clear and blue, no end in sight,
vast and empty
families picnicked in perfect weather, groups of friends went hiking,
the world was clumsy and supersonic
trees were withered, they did not bud or turn leafy
cloudless and dim
how could it be possible to feel so trapped
to see the world differently
lightless,
when it's as luminous as ever.
09.15.16 - 1:59pm
gray
the sun is shining, luminous and golden
just bright enough for sunglasses, but not blinding if you forget them
the grass is the greenest it has ever been, dewey and fresh
there's a slight breeze and the air is crisp
birds are peacefully chirping, the kids are all at school
the neighborhood is still, but not silent
the world is vibrant and alive
yet everything seems so dull
gray
the sun is shining, luminous and golden
just bright enough for sunglasses, but not blinding if you forget them
the grass is the greenest it has ever been, dewey and fresh
there's a slight breeze and the air is crisp
birds are peacefully chirping, the kids are all at school
the neighborhood is still, but not silent
the world is vibrant and alive
yet everything seems so dull
NEEDS EDITING********* NOT DONE********************
08.23.16 - 10:23am
dogs
i can hear you, and i know you can hear me too,
we bark over passing cars to keep track of time
i call your name to hear you respond with mine
keep me going, let me know you're there
i live for this, for you
please don't go inside
i know you have a family,
i have mine too
but nothing makes me feel the way you do
keep me going, let me know you're there
i live for this, for you
please don't go inside
we've never seen each other but god i bet you're beautiful
the gated nemesis keeps me from you
but one day we will meet
keep me going, let me know you're there
i live for this, for you
please don't go inside
just five more minutes
08.23.16 - 10:23am
dogs
i can hear you, and i know you can hear me too,
we bark over passing cars to keep track of time
i call your name to hear you respond with mine
keep me going, let me know you're there
i live for this, for you
please don't go inside
i know you have a family,
i have mine too
but nothing makes me feel the way you do
keep me going, let me know you're there
i live for this, for you
please don't go inside
we've never seen each other but god i bet you're beautiful
the gated nemesis keeps me from you
but one day we will meet
keep me going, let me know you're there
i live for this, for you
please don't go inside
just five more minutes
08.12.16 -5:07pm
TEN WORD POEM; 5:07pm
I'm so whole heartedly in love, please god help me.
TEN WORD POEM; 5:07pm
I'm so whole heartedly in love, please god help me.
08.2.16 -8:24am
Untitled
Crawling between the sheets we find each other, messy haired, breathless. Our mouths are like crescent moons and I've never craved the 8 o'clock sunset so badly. We're twisted together, your hand calmly placed underneath the arch of my back, my thigh is oddly in between your knee caps, your head is looped around and gently resting on my shoulder. We call this happy.
Everyday we speak a new language, but the alien words roll naturally off of our tongues. Though we've never heard these words before, we pronounce every syllable perfectly.
This morning he tells me he loves me by murmuring, "Call me when you wake up baby" before he leaves for work. I'll just smirk and roll over sleepily in response, never actually call. Waiting patiently in his bed for his return, this is how I tell him "I love you too."
We don't just come out and say it. I couldn't imagine giggling "I love you, bye" at the end of our conversations on the phone. [Or maybe I could.]
I couldn't picture you walking me up to my door, hand pulling for mine, leaning up to kiss you under the moonlight. "I love you, goodnight."
Sometimes I wonder, does he love me?
Untitled
Crawling between the sheets we find each other, messy haired, breathless. Our mouths are like crescent moons and I've never craved the 8 o'clock sunset so badly. We're twisted together, your hand calmly placed underneath the arch of my back, my thigh is oddly in between your knee caps, your head is looped around and gently resting on my shoulder. We call this happy.
Everyday we speak a new language, but the alien words roll naturally off of our tongues. Though we've never heard these words before, we pronounce every syllable perfectly.
This morning he tells me he loves me by murmuring, "Call me when you wake up baby" before he leaves for work. I'll just smirk and roll over sleepily in response, never actually call. Waiting patiently in his bed for his return, this is how I tell him "I love you too."
We don't just come out and say it. I couldn't imagine giggling "I love you, bye" at the end of our conversations on the phone. [Or maybe I could.]
I couldn't picture you walking me up to my door, hand pulling for mine, leaning up to kiss you under the moonlight. "I love you, goodnight."
Sometimes I wonder, does he love me?
07.31.16 -5:46pm
Love poem
Let me start by saying, this isn't a love poem
:
My ribs are twisted together, my backbone has disappeared, swollen heart and clammy hands
All I have to offer is this tattered piece of paper
Scribbled anxiously, my fingers just wouldn't co-operate
I fumble the pen shyly between my knuckles, click-click as it furiously bounces on the table.
My words blend together and make this whirlwind inescapable.
All I can give you are my nonsensical thoughts. Will that ever be enough?
Blue margins stretch for miles
and the uneven folding turns the paper into a fraying cloth
Crumpled and uncrumpled, crumpled and uncrumpled, crumpled and uncrumpled,
I wrack my brain for a way to say this without being cliché
I would tell you that you put the stars in my sky, but you didn't.
My night had already been well lit from my own stars, in my own galaxy.
Head over heels, but I don't wear shoes.
I should say that it was love at first sight, but it wasn't.
I had given up on love long before you had even walked in.
I'll start by saying, this isn't a love poem.
And that's exactly where I'll leave it.
Love poem
Let me start by saying, this isn't a love poem
:
My ribs are twisted together, my backbone has disappeared, swollen heart and clammy hands
All I have to offer is this tattered piece of paper
Scribbled anxiously, my fingers just wouldn't co-operate
I fumble the pen shyly between my knuckles, click-click as it furiously bounces on the table.
My words blend together and make this whirlwind inescapable.
All I can give you are my nonsensical thoughts. Will that ever be enough?
Blue margins stretch for miles
and the uneven folding turns the paper into a fraying cloth
Crumpled and uncrumpled, crumpled and uncrumpled, crumpled and uncrumpled,
I wrack my brain for a way to say this without being cliché
I would tell you that you put the stars in my sky, but you didn't.
My night had already been well lit from my own stars, in my own galaxy.
Head over heels, but I don't wear shoes.
I should say that it was love at first sight, but it wasn't.
I had given up on love long before you had even walked in.
I'll start by saying, this isn't a love poem.
And that's exactly where I'll leave it.
07.23.16 -12:31am
TEN WORD POEM;12:31am
I just wish that I was good enough for you.
TEN WORD POEM;12:31am
I just wish that I was good enough for you.
06.04.16 -3am
3 am
Dusty nightstand, I don't sleep anymore.
I haven't been in the fridge in over a month and the trash is full of empty take out containers.
Framed pictures on the walls are crooked memories. Some I wish I could forget.
The glaze in my eyes won't make this look like home.
Home is the drive from work on a warm Tuesday afternoon. Radio blaring, all the windows rolled down, and the sunroof open.
Finally having a reason to wear your favorite pair of sunglasses.
Home is stopping to get a milkshake and having a 20 minute conversation with the cashier because she noticed that you've recently cut all your hair off. Usually that's taken as a warning sign.
Nobody cares enough to notice.
Home is the book you can't stop reading even though it's 3 am and you have to work at 7.
You know what's going to happen but you just have to make sure.
Curled up in a ball, the rain pitter patters outside so softly.
The plot suddenly changes and nothing is like you've thought it would be.
You can't help but cry because of how perfectly, imperfect the ending was.
Home is walking down the street barefoot after sunset,
What time is it?
Everyone's partying and you're plastered
Laying in the middle of the road
The thoughts are gone and you can finally breathe.
Home is a blunt cruise late after work with friends
Singing your favorite songs, gossiping about all of your co-workers
You would've never guessed these people would affect your life so much.
Home is laying in the dark listening to Matchbox Twenty.
No clue where you want to go in life, or if you'll ever live up to expectations
For once it all falls on the back burner
You realize you are all the home you will ever need
And you can't help but cry because of how perfectly, imperfect that is.
3 am
Dusty nightstand, I don't sleep anymore.
I haven't been in the fridge in over a month and the trash is full of empty take out containers.
Framed pictures on the walls are crooked memories. Some I wish I could forget.
The glaze in my eyes won't make this look like home.
Home is the drive from work on a warm Tuesday afternoon. Radio blaring, all the windows rolled down, and the sunroof open.
Finally having a reason to wear your favorite pair of sunglasses.
Home is stopping to get a milkshake and having a 20 minute conversation with the cashier because she noticed that you've recently cut all your hair off. Usually that's taken as a warning sign.
Nobody cares enough to notice.
Home is the book you can't stop reading even though it's 3 am and you have to work at 7.
You know what's going to happen but you just have to make sure.
Curled up in a ball, the rain pitter patters outside so softly.
The plot suddenly changes and nothing is like you've thought it would be.
You can't help but cry because of how perfectly, imperfect the ending was.
Home is walking down the street barefoot after sunset,
What time is it?
Everyone's partying and you're plastered
Laying in the middle of the road
The thoughts are gone and you can finally breathe.
Home is a blunt cruise late after work with friends
Singing your favorite songs, gossiping about all of your co-workers
You would've never guessed these people would affect your life so much.
Home is laying in the dark listening to Matchbox Twenty.
No clue where you want to go in life, or if you'll ever live up to expectations
For once it all falls on the back burner
You realize you are all the home you will ever need
And you can't help but cry because of how perfectly, imperfect that is.
05.14.16
Roots
In his stuffy room is where we fell apart.
We were sitting unusually far apart on his king sized bed, and all I could notice was how the curtain hanging above his window was lopsided. I had reached over to fix it when I noticed (no name) staring at me with his guilty but brilliant green eyes. I felt my heart race as I quickly averted and let my eyes wander the room where we fell in love. I didn't want to see that look again. He had a noticeable pile of dishes on his desk next to the computer he built, and all of his dresser drawers were packed so tightly with unfolded, wrinkled clothes that they would no longer close. I wish he would stop doing that, I thought to myself.
The walls were full of our memories, our secrets. Pictures of us together smiling, the first valentine I made for him, the water bottle still left on his floor from the last concert we went to together, our relationship was posted everywhere. Extra, extra, read all about it. In the corner was a box of love notes we once childishly passed to each other in school.
"I don't love you anymore." He hesitantly said.
I felt my heart drop my stomach, or maybe it hit my lungs because I couldn't breathe anymore. It had taken so long to build this relationship, and seconds to destroy it. A lump gathered in my throat, and I found my mind racing with a thousand questions yet I couldn't figure out what to say. Emptiness was destroying me already, and it had only been seconds.
When I could finally face him, I realized he looked nothing like the boy I fell in love with. Yes, (no name) was still 5'1", his eyes were still green, his hair was still brown and messy the way he liked it. He was still strangely tan for the winter, and still had that weird hair under his chin that he always missed when shaving. Everything was different though. His eyes no longer sparkled when he saw me, I was not greeted with his crooked smile. I didn't know this boy, and clearly he didn't know me. He was no longer what I could want, he was no longer mine.
"Why?" I spit out. "What did I do?" I felt like crying, throwing up, and punching a hole in the wall all at the same time. But instead, I just sat there. I couldn't remember how to move. (no name) quickly reached over to touch me as if that would make anything better. Nothing would've made this better. His hands felt like fire, burning my flesh. I jerked back.
"It isn't you, it's me." he whispered. What a typical line, I thought to myself. Silence invaded the cluttered room, I needed fresh air. How could someone love you one day and not the next? Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably.
"We can fix this. Please tell me we can fix this." I begged. I couldn't lose him, he was everything to me. I leaned over to the window next to the bed and tugged on it desperately until it finally popped open. The crisp December air crawled in, though I still couldn't breathe. I felt locked inside this hell, I knew there was no saving anything.
"I don't think we can..." he started.
"I can't lose you...." I choked. Tears were flooding my cheeks, I could feel my eyes swelling up like balloons. All I could think about was how gravely I wanted to leave, but at the same time stay. This was the end, and I wasn't ready to let go.
"You've always been really independent. I know you can get through this Kels. I'm here for you, I just don't think this is what I want anymore." He sounded like a broken record, repeating the same sad song. His words cut like knives, I couldn't take it. How could he not want me anymore? I was so in love with him, how could he not have felt what I did?
Before I knew it, I had my coat and shoes on. I fled down the narrow hallway covered with family portraits and rushed out the door. Gasping, taking deep gulps of cool air, this is where I found myself.
The next few months were the hardest they had ever been. We got back together and broke up several more times. I eventually lost touch with the boy I had once loved, my best friend. I became accepting. I realized people aren't meant to stay in our lives forever. You can't make someone love you. Though I'll always love (no name) , my love has changed. He is no longer the sun to me, he can't give me the light I need to survive any longer. Instead, (no name) became the roots on my tree, proof that he had helped me grow.
Roots
In his stuffy room is where we fell apart.
We were sitting unusually far apart on his king sized bed, and all I could notice was how the curtain hanging above his window was lopsided. I had reached over to fix it when I noticed (no name) staring at me with his guilty but brilliant green eyes. I felt my heart race as I quickly averted and let my eyes wander the room where we fell in love. I didn't want to see that look again. He had a noticeable pile of dishes on his desk next to the computer he built, and all of his dresser drawers were packed so tightly with unfolded, wrinkled clothes that they would no longer close. I wish he would stop doing that, I thought to myself.
The walls were full of our memories, our secrets. Pictures of us together smiling, the first valentine I made for him, the water bottle still left on his floor from the last concert we went to together, our relationship was posted everywhere. Extra, extra, read all about it. In the corner was a box of love notes we once childishly passed to each other in school.
"I don't love you anymore." He hesitantly said.
I felt my heart drop my stomach, or maybe it hit my lungs because I couldn't breathe anymore. It had taken so long to build this relationship, and seconds to destroy it. A lump gathered in my throat, and I found my mind racing with a thousand questions yet I couldn't figure out what to say. Emptiness was destroying me already, and it had only been seconds.
When I could finally face him, I realized he looked nothing like the boy I fell in love with. Yes, (no name) was still 5'1", his eyes were still green, his hair was still brown and messy the way he liked it. He was still strangely tan for the winter, and still had that weird hair under his chin that he always missed when shaving. Everything was different though. His eyes no longer sparkled when he saw me, I was not greeted with his crooked smile. I didn't know this boy, and clearly he didn't know me. He was no longer what I could want, he was no longer mine.
"Why?" I spit out. "What did I do?" I felt like crying, throwing up, and punching a hole in the wall all at the same time. But instead, I just sat there. I couldn't remember how to move. (no name) quickly reached over to touch me as if that would make anything better. Nothing would've made this better. His hands felt like fire, burning my flesh. I jerked back.
"It isn't you, it's me." he whispered. What a typical line, I thought to myself. Silence invaded the cluttered room, I needed fresh air. How could someone love you one day and not the next? Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably.
"We can fix this. Please tell me we can fix this." I begged. I couldn't lose him, he was everything to me. I leaned over to the window next to the bed and tugged on it desperately until it finally popped open. The crisp December air crawled in, though I still couldn't breathe. I felt locked inside this hell, I knew there was no saving anything.
"I don't think we can..." he started.
"I can't lose you...." I choked. Tears were flooding my cheeks, I could feel my eyes swelling up like balloons. All I could think about was how gravely I wanted to leave, but at the same time stay. This was the end, and I wasn't ready to let go.
"You've always been really independent. I know you can get through this Kels. I'm here for you, I just don't think this is what I want anymore." He sounded like a broken record, repeating the same sad song. His words cut like knives, I couldn't take it. How could he not want me anymore? I was so in love with him, how could he not have felt what I did?
Before I knew it, I had my coat and shoes on. I fled down the narrow hallway covered with family portraits and rushed out the door. Gasping, taking deep gulps of cool air, this is where I found myself.
The next few months were the hardest they had ever been. We got back together and broke up several more times. I eventually lost touch with the boy I had once loved, my best friend. I became accepting. I realized people aren't meant to stay in our lives forever. You can't make someone love you. Though I'll always love (no name) , my love has changed. He is no longer the sun to me, he can't give me the light I need to survive any longer. Instead, (no name) became the roots on my tree, proof that he had helped me grow.
UNKNOWN
July 17th
We are all just memories tucked in forgotten photo albums and halfway filled scrapbooks. Nice to remember and look back at on rare occasions. In this photo, we are children smiling. Kid crushes that only our parents could see. It was July 17th, as written on the back of this photo. We are playing in the sprinklers on this sweltering, summer day. But this was just a memory and we have changed.
We have slowly forgotten how the other one looks, or the sound of their voice. If we could see the other we would barely recognize them.
We are distantly remembered names and old letters tucked away neatly in a box under the bed. As if we matter any more than the thick pile of dust that lies on top of us.
We are empty promises that were genuinely wanted at one time. But nothing is strong forever.
We are nothing more than the lessons we teach others. Nothing more and nothing less than life lessons learned the hard way.
We are forgotten phone numbers, and deleted texts. Neither of us has spoken to the other in years.
We are the empty feelings inside your soul late at night. Heart in your stomach, or maybe no heart at all. Fists curled up tight, tears streaming down your face and I always knew you had an ocean inside of you.
We are nothing more than just people. We make mistakes and we only care about ourselves.
We are all that we have after all.
Despite our changing ways, we are still children. It is still July 17th in my heart, and our parents are still giggling over our kid crushes at dinner. We are still playing in the sprinkler and pretending to be Spiderman and Mary Jane. But most importantly, we are still smiling. Though we may not talk, and though we may have changed, we are still the same people. We may be covered in different skins, using different phrases, with different voices but we are still smiling and you'll always be my Spiderman.
July 17th
We are all just memories tucked in forgotten photo albums and halfway filled scrapbooks. Nice to remember and look back at on rare occasions. In this photo, we are children smiling. Kid crushes that only our parents could see. It was July 17th, as written on the back of this photo. We are playing in the sprinklers on this sweltering, summer day. But this was just a memory and we have changed.
We have slowly forgotten how the other one looks, or the sound of their voice. If we could see the other we would barely recognize them.
We are distantly remembered names and old letters tucked away neatly in a box under the bed. As if we matter any more than the thick pile of dust that lies on top of us.
We are empty promises that were genuinely wanted at one time. But nothing is strong forever.
We are nothing more than the lessons we teach others. Nothing more and nothing less than life lessons learned the hard way.
We are forgotten phone numbers, and deleted texts. Neither of us has spoken to the other in years.
We are the empty feelings inside your soul late at night. Heart in your stomach, or maybe no heart at all. Fists curled up tight, tears streaming down your face and I always knew you had an ocean inside of you.
We are nothing more than just people. We make mistakes and we only care about ourselves.
We are all that we have after all.
Despite our changing ways, we are still children. It is still July 17th in my heart, and our parents are still giggling over our kid crushes at dinner. We are still playing in the sprinkler and pretending to be Spiderman and Mary Jane. But most importantly, we are still smiling. Though we may not talk, and though we may have changed, we are still the same people. We may be covered in different skins, using different phrases, with different voices but we are still smiling and you'll always be my Spiderman.
05.31.2014
New Feelings
You're an alarm clock. The only thing waking me up after a decade of dreaming the same old boring dream. A wake up call reminding me that I can't live this way forever. I have to escape from my dream world and face my reality, one step at a time. So I begin and start crawling out of bed.
You're the icy floor that shocks me, sending cold chills up my spine and leaving goose bumps on my skin.
You're the breathe of fresh air spreading throughout my lungs after all of this time I've spent trapped under the blankets. Stuck breathing in the same hot, dry, and empty air. You remind me of how much I missed breathing. The taste of you is fresh unlike the dullness that was suffocating me before. Things usually become bland after awhile, but with you nothing gets old. You're always finding new ways to make me smile, to make me laugh, to make me feel whole again. It's a real change from all the empty spaces that were once draining me.
You're the shower. Warming me up, reminding me that the world isn't always cold and cruel. You fog up my mirrors, letting me know that my image isn't that important. I'm beautiful to you no matter what. You clean all my grime away, wipe my slate clean. Nothing matters as long as we're together. You always keep me thinking, even if it's just you that I'm thinking about.
You are more than just my everyday tasks though. You are more than anything I can imagine, or put into words. You are the stars shining bright, proof that there is always hope. You are the leaves returning to the trees after a long, lonely winter. Loyal. You are the sky. Even when everything else is tumbling down, you stand tall. Somehow you never prevail. You are more than just a "boyfriend". You are a best friend, bigger than any of these pathetic metaphors in this poem. You are true, honest, and faithful which is more than I could ever ask for. You are you. Though you may never see what I see, I still hope and pray that one day you will. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves.
Especially you.
New Feelings
You're an alarm clock. The only thing waking me up after a decade of dreaming the same old boring dream. A wake up call reminding me that I can't live this way forever. I have to escape from my dream world and face my reality, one step at a time. So I begin and start crawling out of bed.
You're the icy floor that shocks me, sending cold chills up my spine and leaving goose bumps on my skin.
You're the breathe of fresh air spreading throughout my lungs after all of this time I've spent trapped under the blankets. Stuck breathing in the same hot, dry, and empty air. You remind me of how much I missed breathing. The taste of you is fresh unlike the dullness that was suffocating me before. Things usually become bland after awhile, but with you nothing gets old. You're always finding new ways to make me smile, to make me laugh, to make me feel whole again. It's a real change from all the empty spaces that were once draining me.
You're the shower. Warming me up, reminding me that the world isn't always cold and cruel. You fog up my mirrors, letting me know that my image isn't that important. I'm beautiful to you no matter what. You clean all my grime away, wipe my slate clean. Nothing matters as long as we're together. You always keep me thinking, even if it's just you that I'm thinking about.
You are more than just my everyday tasks though. You are more than anything I can imagine, or put into words. You are the stars shining bright, proof that there is always hope. You are the leaves returning to the trees after a long, lonely winter. Loyal. You are the sky. Even when everything else is tumbling down, you stand tall. Somehow you never prevail. You are more than just a "boyfriend". You are a best friend, bigger than any of these pathetic metaphors in this poem. You are true, honest, and faithful which is more than I could ever ask for. You are you. Though you may never see what I see, I still hope and pray that one day you will. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves.
Especially you.
01.30.2016
TEN WORD POEM; untitled
I'm sorry I wasn't who you wanted me to be.
TEN WORD POEM; untitled
I'm sorry I wasn't who you wanted me to be.
UNKNOWN
Promises
Like people, we too get weak and break.
Promises
Like people, we too get weak and break.
12.31.2015
Untitled
I can't stay in one place right now. My mind is jumping around. Skipping scenes from what we are now and what we used to be. It's a mixture of now and then, a blending of the scenery.
I can't breathe, knowing what we were. Which was nothing, if anybody asks. That's accurate though. All we are is nothing, and that's all we ever have been. The rest has been made up by my stupid, insane head. I actually thought we had a chance. Thought we could make it last. Thought I could keep you both. Knew someone's got to go. One of you has to go.
It's midnight and you told me you're outside my house. Dared me to sneak out. So I snuck out.
You promise me she was nothing, you still love me, I could dump him. You beg me to run away with you.
How long did it take you to realize I wasn't coming?
It's early morning. I tell you my family won't be here tonight, I'm home alone. You invite yourself over and honestly, how could I say no?
He yells at me because we hang out too much.
I think he's starting to realize I'm in love with you.
It's midnight again and you're smiling at me as if you could tell I was wearing that perfume you like. You hug me, and I can still smell you. It's almost like you're right here.
You change your relationship status. My heart breaks, even though I'm with him. I should be happy you moved on. It'll be easier now that I won't have to lie anymore.
Right?
You came over to listen to music with me tonight. Singing old melodies that mean the world to us, I realize this isn't meant to be. I notice I'm still singing for him. This is not about you. It has never been. We have more in common than him and I do, I'll admit it. But I love him. And though I'll never understand why it was him and not you, I can't continue this.
I have more of a future with him than I do with you.
You call me and tell me I'm beautiful, ask me when I'm going to end it with him. When I tell you I'm not, you hang up.
You post a picture with her. You're both in bed, laying together.
When I see this, part of me hopes she breaks you're heart. The other part though hopes your happy. I get so mad, I actually wish I was her.
Then I realize,
I could've been.
Untitled
I can't stay in one place right now. My mind is jumping around. Skipping scenes from what we are now and what we used to be. It's a mixture of now and then, a blending of the scenery.
I can't breathe, knowing what we were. Which was nothing, if anybody asks. That's accurate though. All we are is nothing, and that's all we ever have been. The rest has been made up by my stupid, insane head. I actually thought we had a chance. Thought we could make it last. Thought I could keep you both. Knew someone's got to go. One of you has to go.
It's midnight and you told me you're outside my house. Dared me to sneak out. So I snuck out.
You promise me she was nothing, you still love me, I could dump him. You beg me to run away with you.
How long did it take you to realize I wasn't coming?
It's early morning. I tell you my family won't be here tonight, I'm home alone. You invite yourself over and honestly, how could I say no?
He yells at me because we hang out too much.
I think he's starting to realize I'm in love with you.
It's midnight again and you're smiling at me as if you could tell I was wearing that perfume you like. You hug me, and I can still smell you. It's almost like you're right here.
You change your relationship status. My heart breaks, even though I'm with him. I should be happy you moved on. It'll be easier now that I won't have to lie anymore.
Right?
You came over to listen to music with me tonight. Singing old melodies that mean the world to us, I realize this isn't meant to be. I notice I'm still singing for him. This is not about you. It has never been. We have more in common than him and I do, I'll admit it. But I love him. And though I'll never understand why it was him and not you, I can't continue this.
I have more of a future with him than I do with you.
You call me and tell me I'm beautiful, ask me when I'm going to end it with him. When I tell you I'm not, you hang up.
You post a picture with her. You're both in bed, laying together.
When I see this, part of me hopes she breaks you're heart. The other part though hopes your happy. I get so mad, I actually wish I was her.
Then I realize,
I could've been.
07.31.2015
Breathe
You make me sick. Sicker than I've ever been. Sick.
Like the smoke off my cigarette, thick.
Choking me, yet I still choose breathe you in,
Always noticing your existence.
I'm addicted and there is no escape,
You're trapped in my lungs.
As I exhale your name,
My whole body shakes.
I'm trembling, shivering in fear.
There are things that I say that no one will ever hear.
You don't listen.
Unless there's a benefit.
Treat me like I'm a one night stand, but you leave me before the morning comes.
"Together" when we're always apart.
Lying to brighten up our dark,
That you created.
"You're still dating?"
I never can reply,
Though I can imply it's a touchy topic,
Let's get off it so I can
breathe.
Inhale, exhale quickly.
Hyperventilating.
Worse than any of my bad dreams,
And I might just puke,
Or lose my last nerve as you hold onto her,
My best friend.
Now someone I don't even know.
You took the last friend I had.
I can't believe a word that either of you have said,
It wouldn't surprise me,
It's like you fucked in my bed, and maybe my head,
And I can see the difference between how you look at her and how you look at me.
It hurts.
Time starts to slow down when you're here,
Speeds up when you're not around.
You know they always say time goes by fast when you're having fun,
If you get what I mean.
Then again you'll probably never read this.
You always pretend you do,
So I'm always saying hurtful things about you,
Like you'll notice,
Giving you chances to prove me wrong,
When I slow down and stop
I catch my breath and tell you,
I've known all along.
Breathe
You make me sick. Sicker than I've ever been. Sick.
Like the smoke off my cigarette, thick.
Choking me, yet I still choose breathe you in,
Always noticing your existence.
I'm addicted and there is no escape,
You're trapped in my lungs.
As I exhale your name,
My whole body shakes.
I'm trembling, shivering in fear.
There are things that I say that no one will ever hear.
You don't listen.
Unless there's a benefit.
Treat me like I'm a one night stand, but you leave me before the morning comes.
"Together" when we're always apart.
Lying to brighten up our dark,
That you created.
"You're still dating?"
I never can reply,
Though I can imply it's a touchy topic,
Let's get off it so I can
breathe.
Inhale, exhale quickly.
Hyperventilating.
Worse than any of my bad dreams,
And I might just puke,
Or lose my last nerve as you hold onto her,
My best friend.
Now someone I don't even know.
You took the last friend I had.
I can't believe a word that either of you have said,
It wouldn't surprise me,
It's like you fucked in my bed, and maybe my head,
And I can see the difference between how you look at her and how you look at me.
It hurts.
Time starts to slow down when you're here,
Speeds up when you're not around.
You know they always say time goes by fast when you're having fun,
If you get what I mean.
Then again you'll probably never read this.
You always pretend you do,
So I'm always saying hurtful things about you,
Like you'll notice,
Giving you chances to prove me wrong,
When I slow down and stop
I catch my breath and tell you,
I've known all along.
UNKNOWN/2014
In The Shower
In the shower,
I am more than just a girl.
I am a super hero,
Ready to take on the world.
I am not afraid to use my voice,
Hear me sing and hear me cry,
My words will never fade, nor will they die.
In the shower,
It seems that my fantasies,
Are more than just my fantasies.
I am no longer Kelsey Brafford,
Sitting in the back of the Chemistry class,
Squinting because I can't see the notes.
I am the Kelsey Brafford,
The girl that will get up when you ask her,
"Mrs. Brafford what does the board say?"
Politely but sarcastically I will reply,
"Now Mr. Wellman,
I told you I can't see from the back,
At the beginning of the year.
Maybe you've forgotten or you just can't hear,
Either move me to the front,
Or don't ask me at all,
It's quite embarrassing."
And for a minute, he stalls.
In the shower,
I am protector of all people who have dreams.
Including me,
And if anybody tries to stop us,
Or knock our dreams down,
I will fight them off.
Pick your dreams up, because the bad guys are gone.
They will no longer tell you,
How unrealistic your dreams are,
Or that maybe you shouldn't shoot for the stars,
Because the stars are too far.
In the shower,
I am not afraid.
I am the toughest girl alive,
I am here to stay.
With the water steaming,
I begin to save the world,
I am unstoppable,
Rescuing little boys and little girls.
I even save adults,
Like say, my mom or my dad,
My grandma's or my grandpa's,
From the evil divorces' path.
I save animals from shelters,
But not just dogs or cats,
I save endangered species,
From a careless hunters wrath.
Pretty soon the shower goes cold,
Reality comes rushing in,
It's time to turn off the water,
I don't want this daydream to end.
In the shower,
That's where I'm brave,
The bravest of them all,
I am more than just a little girl,
Saving the world is where I belong.
I do the things I would love to do,
I dream like no dreamer could,
My daydreams,
Are more than just my daydreams,
I do the things I should.
So today I'm taking them with me.
Out of the shower is where they go,
They will be more than just my daydreams,
They will be my actions,
Not just my hopes.
Today I will be a superhero,
Maybe not the greatest of them all,
With a little practice though,
Hopefully one day,
The villains will be gone.
In The Shower
In the shower,
I am more than just a girl.
I am a super hero,
Ready to take on the world.
I am not afraid to use my voice,
Hear me sing and hear me cry,
My words will never fade, nor will they die.
In the shower,
It seems that my fantasies,
Are more than just my fantasies.
I am no longer Kelsey Brafford,
Sitting in the back of the Chemistry class,
Squinting because I can't see the notes.
I am the Kelsey Brafford,
The girl that will get up when you ask her,
"Mrs. Brafford what does the board say?"
Politely but sarcastically I will reply,
"Now Mr. Wellman,
I told you I can't see from the back,
At the beginning of the year.
Maybe you've forgotten or you just can't hear,
Either move me to the front,
Or don't ask me at all,
It's quite embarrassing."
And for a minute, he stalls.
In the shower,
I am protector of all people who have dreams.
Including me,
And if anybody tries to stop us,
Or knock our dreams down,
I will fight them off.
Pick your dreams up, because the bad guys are gone.
They will no longer tell you,
How unrealistic your dreams are,
Or that maybe you shouldn't shoot for the stars,
Because the stars are too far.
In the shower,
I am not afraid.
I am the toughest girl alive,
I am here to stay.
With the water steaming,
I begin to save the world,
I am unstoppable,
Rescuing little boys and little girls.
I even save adults,
Like say, my mom or my dad,
My grandma's or my grandpa's,
From the evil divorces' path.
I save animals from shelters,
But not just dogs or cats,
I save endangered species,
From a careless hunters wrath.
Pretty soon the shower goes cold,
Reality comes rushing in,
It's time to turn off the water,
I don't want this daydream to end.
In the shower,
That's where I'm brave,
The bravest of them all,
I am more than just a little girl,
Saving the world is where I belong.
I do the things I would love to do,
I dream like no dreamer could,
My daydreams,
Are more than just my daydreams,
I do the things I should.
So today I'm taking them with me.
Out of the shower is where they go,
They will be more than just my daydreams,
They will be my actions,
Not just my hopes.
Today I will be a superhero,
Maybe not the greatest of them all,
With a little practice though,
Hopefully one day,
The villains will be gone.
05.03.2015
Perfect
Mistake,
Everywhere this little girl goes,
She writes out the simple word,
"Mistake."
She writes it down,
So she can leave it behind,
To finally say goodbye to the word,
She thinks best describes her.
But like a footprint, it follows her.
It haunts her and reminds her,
Of a broken home,
She was made to believe that she created.
Feeling nothing but hatred, she takes it.
She makes it looks good,
Stitching it into her favorite sweater,
Putting it on to protect her.
Though, it does the exact opposite,
She's just too shielded to see it.
All the times people tell her she's nothing but perfect,
She doesn't believe it.
Her eyes at first glisten,
Until the word "mistake" covers her ears,
Telling her not to listen,
"These people don't know you,
They don't know what you've done,
You've forced two people into a marriage with imaginary love."
Her parents say it's not her fault,
Whatever, she thinks it's a lie.
When all the kids get old enough to leave the house,
They'll talk about divorce for the second time.
This little girl feels like a failure,
Within some point in the day,
She hangs her head down low and repeats,
"I am a mistake.
I am a mistake.
I am a mistake."
The word "mistake" whispers,
Telling her to never forget it.
How could she,
When she is covered in all of the evidence?
She has her fathers chin,
On her mothers fragile face,
It's a feature that proves,
She's the result of her parents mistakes.
How dare they create a child,
When they are not in love.
They'll never truly understand,
Just what they've done.
They brought a confused girl into the world,
They taught her how to fake love,
Lying and telling her,
About the plan she was "apart of."
So they decide to put on an act,
A real amateur show,
That is never ending,
Or at least it seems to be so.
But this is the part,
Where the young girl catches on.
She realizes that her gut-instinct,
Was right all along.
It is not her fault,
For her foolish parents acts.
She is not the mistake,
So she faces the facts.
She pries the word "mistake",
Out from inside of her head,
Doing so she replaces it,
With other choice words instead.
I am the little girl,
I realized, I am not a mistake.
It was not my fault,
No matter what anyone has to say.
I am brilliant,
Young, and courageous,
Maybe at times I can be outrageous.
I am daring,
I am bold,
I will not crack nor will I fold.
I am nothing but perfect,
I am nothing but perfect,
I am nothing but perfect.
Just the way I am, I am perfect.
Perfect at being me; a girl who is not a mistake.
Perfect
Mistake,
Everywhere this little girl goes,
She writes out the simple word,
"Mistake."
She writes it down,
So she can leave it behind,
To finally say goodbye to the word,
She thinks best describes her.
But like a footprint, it follows her.
It haunts her and reminds her,
Of a broken home,
She was made to believe that she created.
Feeling nothing but hatred, she takes it.
She makes it looks good,
Stitching it into her favorite sweater,
Putting it on to protect her.
Though, it does the exact opposite,
She's just too shielded to see it.
All the times people tell her she's nothing but perfect,
She doesn't believe it.
Her eyes at first glisten,
Until the word "mistake" covers her ears,
Telling her not to listen,
"These people don't know you,
They don't know what you've done,
You've forced two people into a marriage with imaginary love."
Her parents say it's not her fault,
Whatever, she thinks it's a lie.
When all the kids get old enough to leave the house,
They'll talk about divorce for the second time.
This little girl feels like a failure,
Within some point in the day,
She hangs her head down low and repeats,
"I am a mistake.
I am a mistake.
I am a mistake."
The word "mistake" whispers,
Telling her to never forget it.
How could she,
When she is covered in all of the evidence?
She has her fathers chin,
On her mothers fragile face,
It's a feature that proves,
She's the result of her parents mistakes.
How dare they create a child,
When they are not in love.
They'll never truly understand,
Just what they've done.
They brought a confused girl into the world,
They taught her how to fake love,
Lying and telling her,
About the plan she was "apart of."
So they decide to put on an act,
A real amateur show,
That is never ending,
Or at least it seems to be so.
But this is the part,
Where the young girl catches on.
She realizes that her gut-instinct,
Was right all along.
It is not her fault,
For her foolish parents acts.
She is not the mistake,
So she faces the facts.
She pries the word "mistake",
Out from inside of her head,
Doing so she replaces it,
With other choice words instead.
I am the little girl,
I realized, I am not a mistake.
It was not my fault,
No matter what anyone has to say.
I am brilliant,
Young, and courageous,
Maybe at times I can be outrageous.
I am daring,
I am bold,
I will not crack nor will I fold.
I am nothing but perfect,
I am nothing but perfect,
I am nothing but perfect.
Just the way I am, I am perfect.
Perfect at being me; a girl who is not a mistake.
UNKNOWN/2012
Escaping
Shh,
Do you hear that?
It's my bestfriend that I want to die,
But everytime I kill it,
It comes back to life.
Shh,
It's gone now,
But here it comes again,
As you let the conversation die,
I don't want it to end.
Shh,
Do you hear that?
It opens old wounds,
A scream escapes my swollen mouth,
It's created something new.
Shh,
Be quiet,
For you're too late,
I've escaped it by myself,
You let me suffocate.
Escaping
Shh,
Do you hear that?
It's my bestfriend that I want to die,
But everytime I kill it,
It comes back to life.
Shh,
It's gone now,
But here it comes again,
As you let the conversation die,
I don't want it to end.
Shh,
Do you hear that?
It opens old wounds,
A scream escapes my swollen mouth,
It's created something new.
Shh,
Be quiet,
For you're too late,
I've escaped it by myself,
You let me suffocate.
UNKNOWN/2013
Alive
I sit in the corner,
Alone it seems,
I talk and I talk,
Still no one listens to me.
I want answers,
To questions I dare not speak,
I wait and I wait,
No one cares as I weep.
"Please, someone listen!"
I slowly start to scream,
Everything's a struggle,
Now that I've forgotten how to breathe.
The people around me pay no attention,
I feel invisible to the world,
It's then that I remeber,
I'm a non-existent girl.
I have no part in this reality,
For I am not real,
I have nothing but a useless soul,
Giving me only pain to feel.
I watch the world from the outside,
Since I can't do anything more,
I want a chance to live the way you live,
And see what I couldn't before.
I want to feel the things you feel,
Like what it is to love,
I want to know what it's like,
To feel what a normal person does.
I want to do the things you do,
Like smile, laugh, or hug,
I want to know what it's like to feel alive,
What exactly does a beating heart sound like?
I'm stuck in this demented pit,
With no way out,
All my questions will stay unanswered,
There's no point in trying now.
So I'll just wonder what's it like forever,
To be someone who's not me,
I'll never know what it's like to be alive,
I can only dream.
Alive
I sit in the corner,
Alone it seems,
I talk and I talk,
Still no one listens to me.
I want answers,
To questions I dare not speak,
I wait and I wait,
No one cares as I weep.
"Please, someone listen!"
I slowly start to scream,
Everything's a struggle,
Now that I've forgotten how to breathe.
The people around me pay no attention,
I feel invisible to the world,
It's then that I remeber,
I'm a non-existent girl.
I have no part in this reality,
For I am not real,
I have nothing but a useless soul,
Giving me only pain to feel.
I watch the world from the outside,
Since I can't do anything more,
I want a chance to live the way you live,
And see what I couldn't before.
I want to feel the things you feel,
Like what it is to love,
I want to know what it's like,
To feel what a normal person does.
I want to do the things you do,
Like smile, laugh, or hug,
I want to know what it's like to feel alive,
What exactly does a beating heart sound like?
I'm stuck in this demented pit,
With no way out,
All my questions will stay unanswered,
There's no point in trying now.
So I'll just wonder what's it like forever,
To be someone who's not me,
I'll never know what it's like to be alive,
I can only dream.
11.10.2013
Where I'm From
Where am I from?
I could ask you the same,
You'll probably judge me,
Though you don't know my name.
I'm from anger,
From good times to bad,
From never good enoughs,
Just a world full of sad.
Tiredness and stress,
Music's my only true friend,
Even my writing betrays me,
Relationships I'll never mend.
I'm from deceptions,
A life that's never complete,
Fairy tales created by my imagination,
Fables I only hope to defeat.
Created by a beast,
Always looking for a fight,
Not a moments peace,
It's lurking in the night.
Abandoned by my defender,
I'm from fear,
But this lonely girl,
Won't shed a tear.
I'm from courage,
Dreams do come true,
From working for what you want,
Good times so few.
Loving to laugh,
Even if I'm always crying,
No more sadness,
It's time for smiling.
Where I'm From
Where am I from?
I could ask you the same,
You'll probably judge me,
Though you don't know my name.
I'm from anger,
From good times to bad,
From never good enoughs,
Just a world full of sad.
Tiredness and stress,
Music's my only true friend,
Even my writing betrays me,
Relationships I'll never mend.
I'm from deceptions,
A life that's never complete,
Fairy tales created by my imagination,
Fables I only hope to defeat.
Created by a beast,
Always looking for a fight,
Not a moments peace,
It's lurking in the night.
Abandoned by my defender,
I'm from fear,
But this lonely girl,
Won't shed a tear.
I'm from courage,
Dreams do come true,
From working for what you want,
Good times so few.
Loving to laugh,
Even if I'm always crying,
No more sadness,
It's time for smiling.
UNKNOWN/2013
The Hope Will Not Die
I'm worthless,
I'm broken,
Who will want me now?
For I have been trashed,
All my walls are burnt down.
Left alone and abandoned,
Not a glimmer of hope,
Casted astray and forgotten,
I'm old and unknown.
Thinking I'll never be fixed,
Things will be never the same,
All of the clouds disappeared,
The rain went away.
The sun came shining,
Brightening up my life,
Everyone suddenly remembered,
That I was still alive.
They came to my rescue,
Filling me with pride,
My walls rebuilt,
The hope did not die.
I'll never be worthless,
I refuse to break,
Whether I seem that way or not,
I am and I won't change.
Hope is always near,
So don't be afraid,
You aren't alone,
You'll never be that way.
The Hope Will Not Die
I'm worthless,
I'm broken,
Who will want me now?
For I have been trashed,
All my walls are burnt down.
Left alone and abandoned,
Not a glimmer of hope,
Casted astray and forgotten,
I'm old and unknown.
Thinking I'll never be fixed,
Things will be never the same,
All of the clouds disappeared,
The rain went away.
The sun came shining,
Brightening up my life,
Everyone suddenly remembered,
That I was still alive.
They came to my rescue,
Filling me with pride,
My walls rebuilt,
The hope did not die.
I'll never be worthless,
I refuse to break,
Whether I seem that way or not,
I am and I won't change.
Hope is always near,
So don't be afraid,
You aren't alone,
You'll never be that way.
UNKNOWN/2013
Courage
A bit of bravery,
The final fight,
Of a sorrow girl,
Filled with plight.
Misunderstood by herself,
Hated within,
Confused with everything she does,
Knowing what could've been.
Picking up the knife,
She punishes the one,
Who makes her feel,
Like she's no fun.
Slicing the skin,
Piercing it deep,
Blood drips on the floor,
As she starts to weep.
These tears are full of joy,
Not felt for so long,
As the girl sings,
Her final victory song.
She falls to the ground,
Closing her eyes,
At last,
Ready to die.
Breathing her last breathe,
Feeling no regret,
Her hands drop the knife,
Now she can forget.
Courage
A bit of bravery,
The final fight,
Of a sorrow girl,
Filled with plight.
Misunderstood by herself,
Hated within,
Confused with everything she does,
Knowing what could've been.
Picking up the knife,
She punishes the one,
Who makes her feel,
Like she's no fun.
Slicing the skin,
Piercing it deep,
Blood drips on the floor,
As she starts to weep.
These tears are full of joy,
Not felt for so long,
As the girl sings,
Her final victory song.
She falls to the ground,
Closing her eyes,
At last,
Ready to die.
Breathing her last breathe,
Feeling no regret,
Her hands drop the knife,
Now she can forget.
UNKNOWN/2012
One Soul Less
In a place far away,
But somewhere near,
You hold all of my thoughts,
With each of my fears.
You tell the beginning,
While letting the rest unfold,
To the story of how,
I sold my soul.
My loud escape,
To a peaceful place,
Turned into the devil,
Getting his way.
He grabbed my heart,
Making me a deal,
His offer was something,
I could not repeal.
I snatched your hand,
I made you believe,
That you could trust,
Someone evil like me.
That grin on my face,
Gave it all away,
Still somehow, someway,
You still had faith.
You took my hand,
Knowing I was wrong,
Letting me lead you to the place,
Where I once belonged.
Smiling at me,
On that cold October night,
I knew that this,
Was the perfect time.
I reached for your throat,
Letting my anger go,
Tears rolled down your face,
Like you didn't know.
A pain filled my chest,
I didn't understand,
Wasn't this,
The diabolical plan?
The serpent before,
Told me this would feel good,
Stealing and lying for him,
Like no one else would.
I ripped you to pieces,
Tore you to shreds,
And killing you,
Made me equally dead.
After you died,
He reappeared,
Only with a new mission,
That I feared.
I denied,
Pleading with him no,
Shouting about how,
I wanted back my soul!
He stared at me,
With his crazy eyes,
Trying to repeat,
More of his lies.
No, I began,
Never again,
This was the last time,
My terrible friend.
He laughed his laugh,
Only making things worse,
I just wanted,
All of this to disperse.
He spoke to me about,
How God wanted me no more,
That I was being sent,
To the Earths core.
God loves me! I yelled,
Knowing it was a lie,
Just like,
My whole entire life.
I peered into the sky,
Begging for forgiveness,
But this time,
God didn't listen.
Wanna' know why?
Because he isn't there,
My bad choices,
Have left me to despair.
In a place far away,
But somewhere near,
You hold all of my thoughts,
With each of my fears.
One Soul Less
In a place far away,
But somewhere near,
You hold all of my thoughts,
With each of my fears.
You tell the beginning,
While letting the rest unfold,
To the story of how,
I sold my soul.
My loud escape,
To a peaceful place,
Turned into the devil,
Getting his way.
He grabbed my heart,
Making me a deal,
His offer was something,
I could not repeal.
I snatched your hand,
I made you believe,
That you could trust,
Someone evil like me.
That grin on my face,
Gave it all away,
Still somehow, someway,
You still had faith.
You took my hand,
Knowing I was wrong,
Letting me lead you to the place,
Where I once belonged.
Smiling at me,
On that cold October night,
I knew that this,
Was the perfect time.
I reached for your throat,
Letting my anger go,
Tears rolled down your face,
Like you didn't know.
A pain filled my chest,
I didn't understand,
Wasn't this,
The diabolical plan?
The serpent before,
Told me this would feel good,
Stealing and lying for him,
Like no one else would.
I ripped you to pieces,
Tore you to shreds,
And killing you,
Made me equally dead.
After you died,
He reappeared,
Only with a new mission,
That I feared.
I denied,
Pleading with him no,
Shouting about how,
I wanted back my soul!
He stared at me,
With his crazy eyes,
Trying to repeat,
More of his lies.
No, I began,
Never again,
This was the last time,
My terrible friend.
He laughed his laugh,
Only making things worse,
I just wanted,
All of this to disperse.
He spoke to me about,
How God wanted me no more,
That I was being sent,
To the Earths core.
God loves me! I yelled,
Knowing it was a lie,
Just like,
My whole entire life.
I peered into the sky,
Begging for forgiveness,
But this time,
God didn't listen.
Wanna' know why?
Because he isn't there,
My bad choices,
Have left me to despair.
In a place far away,
But somewhere near,
You hold all of my thoughts,
With each of my fears.
UNKNOWN/2012
Ten Word Poem
Put me with the Protists because I just don't belong.
Ten Word Poem
Put me with the Protists because I just don't belong.